ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
