my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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