i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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