I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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