"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
