I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
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