Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize