3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
she was so not down for the gang bang
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
