There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
