my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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