I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Randomize
