About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
