and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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