The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
