i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize