I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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