her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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