my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
