dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
