I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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