Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
