We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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