never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
