We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Randomize
