why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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