Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
