So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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