she woke up with a sticky ear
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
