My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
