i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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