They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
