2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
