i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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