If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Randomize
