I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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