I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Randomize
