just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
