I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
