Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
