You can't special order awesome
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
