Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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