Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
My penis needs a shock collar
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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