and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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