I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
