You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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