Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Is Oprah even human
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
