I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
