I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
