she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
