Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
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