bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
