oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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