when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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