I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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