eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
