never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
